good evening! Another day of sharing and caring. For today’s Slow Food* lesson, we will be learning about fine wines.
Now the cool thing about wines is that they actually come with a grade. As in, a number — just like when you were in middle school. A 96 is good! An 84 is not bad, but probably lacks focus. Anything under that should consider fast food as a career option.
So, you say… you’ve narrowed it down to the 90’s — but where to start?? The choices are still endless.
Well, never fear! The wine companies make it pretty easy for you. You see that $25 bottle? It’s good. But if you’re reading this post, you’re probably not ready for that one yet. So find the nearest $12.95 bottles and let’s compare. See the one with the gorgeous label? That one’s good. It’s subtle and sophisticated, perfect for your dinner guests. The one with the crazy name like “Two Guys and Some Grapes”? It’s loud and bold. Fine for when your party includes cheap beer and you want to class it up a bit, but unless you all plan to wear jeans, I wouldn’t bring this to a friend’s house. The one with the plain bottle and the label written in 8 pt. font? Kinda like the quiet kid in class. Good, safe, but somewhat boring.
But what about red vs. white? Well, the old rule of thumb is that red wines go with red meat, and white wines go with white meats. So red wine = beef, white wine = fish & poultry. But of course this isn’t a hard and fast rule either. No one ever paired Merlot with a Wendy’s burger and kept their status; nor can you drink Chardonnay while eating wings and not get your ashcan kicked. The bottom line is that red wines taste like cough syrup, and white wines taste like juice that’s past its expiration date. This is the main reason why wines are often paired with cheese or chocolate. Because anything tastes good when paired with cheese or chocolate.
So if you want to pick a winner, channel your inner middle schooler and pick a smart one.
* please remember that while “slow” can mean “to take one’s time”, it can also refer to one’s seat on the Short Bus.