So today was a big day.? Not THE Big Day, as in the one where an actual project is finished, (in this case, house paint color is applied,) but one of the many preliminary Milestones of Homeownership which must be celebrated to keep one from going insanely crazy at the total workload of it all.
This Milestone involves spraying the entire 3-story Little House with blinding white primer.? This serves not only to notify your neighbors of your impending progress, but also to warn them of what they might be stuck with should they distract you from said progress by blaring their car stereos late at night.? The Primer Milestone is also important because it is the first time that the house has ever been dealt with, in a single day, in its entirety.? For those who can’t truly fathom what this means, try doing anything to every square inch of your house in one day.
So this Milestone involves renting a paint sprayer from the Big HD.? (Luckily I live .4 miles from the Big Hd, which I highly recommend should you choose to purchase your own bit of Zen someday.)? SuperMan & I drive to the tool rental and pick out a sprayer and prepare to fork over the $65.? Notsofast, says the BurlyMan.? He proceeds to explain every switch, no matter how mundane.? (Yes, I have operated an “on/off” switch before.? I actually have several lighting fixtures in my house; I’ll be sure to put it on my resume.)? Now, I know this is important, albeit boring.? So I pay attention.? Sortof.? I look like I’m paying attention, which is what’s really important.? What I’m actually doing is practicing the fine art of Testosterone Tune-Out.? It’s an innate skill, passed down through the females of the species.? It is a necessary survival instinct in the Hardware Store Environment.
It is not practiced by the males of the species, however.
SuperMan cuts BurlyMan short and says “yeah yeah, we’ve used one before.? Push this button, flip this switch.? We got it.? Can we go?”? BurlyMan is not swayed.? He launches into Part Two, Be Sure To Clean Your Sprayer Before Returning.? Because While Your Paint Color May Be Beautiful, I Don’t Want To See It All Over My Clothes When I Test It Out.? And See How Clean The Machine Is When I Give It To You?? If It’s Not This Clean When I Get It Back, I’m Charging You $100.
SuperMan rolls his eyes.
The spraying was, well, you’ll just have to experience it for yourself.? Five hours of sameness, staring at a blinding white house.? Gave myself a sunburn and a headache; SuperMan is so sore he can’t move his arms.? Tedium ad naseum.
Cleaned and returned the sprayer.? Four hour rental clocked in at 5:05, but we decided it was worth the extra bucks to both finish the house, and not die in the process.? Rolled it into the rental doors.? BurlyMan sees how clean it is, and actually giggles.? No kidding.? He is so tickled that he not only doesn’t charge us the $100 cleaning fee, but he takes off the $23 late fee.? Because what you have to realize is, while he can charge you the $100 fee, he doesn’t keep the $100.? And while he can give you back $23, it ain’t comin’ out of his pocket.? But by making things neat and clean, we just saved him 20 of his own minutes — which he will now get to spend on doing nothing.
epilogue:? SuperMan takes his payment in dinner and a cherry coke.? I take a Tylenol.? We bask in the gleaming whiteness and the irony that the cleanest part of the house is now the outside.