Well, I kinda sorta killed my koi : (? I’m still a bit in shock, as they’ve been around forever and I’ve kind of gotten used to the little buggers.? But the aerator wasn’t aerating, and we’ve had a wicked Cleveland winter, and well… that’s about all it takes in koi-land.? Some of you know that I wasn’t a huge pond freak to begin with — truthfully, it was a “crazy ex-boyfriend” kind of thing that only grew on me once the “crazy” part was gone.? When the stress of the relationship was over, and frankly the stress of having such a massive project left on the shoulders of someone with zero knowledge whatsoever (me), it really did end up turning into quite a tranquil little bit of zen heaven.? And part of that zen were three gorgeous koi: bright yellow and white, blue with silver, and olive with gold.

They weren’t the only fish in the pond <insert your own euphemism here>, they were just the biggest and the brightest, at over 12″ each.? I don’t know how long koi typically last, just that at seven years old these lasted at least six years, 350 days longer than any fish I’d ever had as a kid.? And they were actually more like pets.? They would eat from your hand and let you pet their backs (which were kind of soft, like an underwater flannel).

A friend asked if I would replace them — probably not, as they’ve had plenty of baby fish over the years, and the pond was getting pretty full.? Unfortunately none of the little guys are full koi, though there are some koi-goldfish mixed.? (Not hard to tell when you see a goldfish with an olive mohawk on it’s back.)? I’m assuming/ hoping the little guys all survived okay, but time will tell — will be looking very hard in spring to see little buggers down near the bottom.

…………………………………………….. C.

I’m a bit of a city mouse, due mostly to a need to remain close to everything practical.? But my heart strings are still connected to a simpler life, where people grow their own vegetables and make their own jams and jellies and light fires for warmth.? I’m realistic enough to know that growing my own food is probably not a good idea (most greenery around here eventually ends up in houseplant heaven).? But the fire thing… that’s my weakness.? Ever since I was a kid we’ve had a pot belly stove or fireplace wherever I’ve lived.? So when I bought my house, it was just a matter of time before the draft-sucking hole in the living room wall became filled with heat.

Two years ago, when I finally fixed all the major major house repairs, I decided it was time.? I did my research (e.g. called the Amish Guy) and found out that the coolest thing around (and apparently the only one that would work with my chimney) is a pellet stove.? Blah blah blah, 95% efficient, runs on compressed sawdust pellets (or cherry pits, but who eats that many cherries??), and even has a programmable thermostat.

So, let me get this straight.? I never have to chop wood, it looks/ smells/ feels/ is a real fire, and I never have to chop wood??? And this new technology comes with the highest recommendations of the Amish Guy.*

AND, get this — it came with a surprise three tons of wood pellets, free!

I’ll let you digest that for a moment.

surprise.? three.? tons.? Now use them in a sentence.

See up until then, I had no real concept of what a ton was.? I mean I know how much, as in numbers on paper, and have used idioms like “I have a ton of laundry to do”, but this was clearly different.

Especially when “free” means they don’t have to go through the formalities of say… calling ahead.**? When I arrived home to find my little house sandbagged like a World War II barricade, I learned exactly what a “ton” was.? and for the next two years as I slowly burned through it bag by bag, til the last one ran out with the most perfect of timing as the ground was thawing this spring.

Come October I had to bite the bullet, say goodbye to my little backyard, and order more.? Now I don’t mind spending the money, because it is way cheaper (and warmer) than a furnace, not to mention the intangible benefit of lying in a heat-induced coma in a comfy chair.? But it is a little bit like paying your entire winter gas bill at once… for the privilege of having your landscaping akin to a war zone.? Still, a small price to pay for heat.

I made sure I was home this time, and got to experience the strange, wonderful blend of cultures that made it all possible.? One Amish Guy to stack dozens of bags, one Puerto Rican Guy to drive the truck and make happy small talk, and one Orthodox Jewish neighbor to peek over the hedges and make sure whatever crazy thing we were doing that night was kosher — or at least not in his yard.? (I also learned that Amish Guys do in fact drive, whether they should or not, when they get get tired of Puerto Rican guys chatting.? And watching them drive a semi-sized trailor in reverse up your little driveway at warp speed is quite an experience.)

……………………………………..with love and warmth,? C.

* enjoy the irony

** Nevermind that Amish Guys don’t have cell phones.

okay guys, decision time.

Dilemma:? I currently have a 2 car garage in mediocre condition.? As in, ever since it got “fixed”, kinda like the leaning tower of Pisa.? Not bad bad, but not great — and really eventually needs to be repaired.*

Repair Guy said the garage design itself was flawed — as in, the garage only has 3 walls, instead of 3 plus a piece called a “return” (e.g. the thing next to the door that apparently you have, that I don’t).? On mine, the doors go all the way to the corners of the garage.? So when it started to lean, as garages sometimes do, there is really kinda nothing to hold it together, except for the roof.? (Ironically, the roof is the only part of the garage I built myself :} )

Soooo, Repair Guy said he can take out both garage doors, “straightenerup”, add a little return on each side, and stick one massive 16 foot door in the middle. For $2400, that is.**

But, I say to myself, the other side of the garage is just used to store crap like the lawnmower and yard tools… Do I really *need* a huge door?

So I ask Repair Guy what it would cost to just leave one regular garage door, and wall the sucker in with just a little “people” door?? He looked at me with that astonished look that repair guys get when someone else just came up with a good idea… wow, THEN it’d be sturdy!? (he whistles.) I’m never sure if whistling is a good thing or bad, so I shove my hands in my pockets, stick out my gut, and whistle with him.? Soooo, I nudge him… what would that cost?? $1500.? For everything?? Yeah, everything. Everything… *plus* labor? or… everything everything?? Everything.

I whistle.

Now, I’m sure that somewhere down the line someone will tell me how it would Improve My Home Value to have a “2-car garage” vs. a “2-car, 1-door garage”.? And that my house price will dramaticallydecrease or something if I do this.***? But right now, as I’m saving furiously for my impending “job change”, that extra thousand dollars is kind of important.? And though I totally believe in fixing things right and taking care of my home, somehow putting that extra money to fix a crappy garage doesn’t feel right.? Maybe it’s the “fix” + “crappy” + “garage” parts.? I mean, the garage isn’t going to get any less crappy if I do this; it will merely maintain its current state of crappiness.

Sooo… I’m going to do what anyone would do in my situation: I’m going to ask my Dad.

……………………….C.

* and by “eventually”, I mean “now”.

** discounted because I offer him coffee occasionally and let him blather on about politics and hunting.

*** for those of you not in the know, this pesky little “recession” thing pretty much took care of my home “value”.

p.s. Lest you think everything about my house is crappy, behold the New Blue Paint Job:

Just got through listening to a podcast interview with Kim Lavine, the author of “The Mommy Millionaire”.? Not only was she perfectly delightful, but she is even more savvy and sharp “in person”.? I won’t give you a synopsis because it’s definitely worth listening to on your own, but I will tell you the part that glued itself to my brain…

I’ll paraphrase (badly):

“the question I often get asked is ‘how do you balance your work and family life?’

“and I say to them: screw balance!? this whole ‘balance’ idea has been sold to us to make us feel guilty.? I don’t know anybody who has ‘work/ life balance’… if I take a lot of time off in the summer and work like a maniac the rest of the year, hey, that equals balance… and when it comes to cleaning the house… just resolve to burn down your house after 10 years.? Because housework should be the first thing to go, or the last thing we think about as mothers, and business owners, and women.”

Oh yeah, that pretty much made my night.? Gave me the perfect excuse for the ultimate defiant act of domestic equilibrium: ordering take out while avoiding washing the dishes.? No mass has been added to the sink, and none taken away.? Somehow the universe is in perfect balance — again.

So today was a big day.? Not THE Big Day, as in the one where an actual project is finished, (in this case, house paint color is applied,) but one of the many preliminary Milestones of Homeownership which must be celebrated to keep one from going insanely crazy at the total workload of it all.

This Milestone involves spraying the entire 3-story Little House with blinding white primer.? This serves not only to notify your neighbors of your impending progress, but also to warn them of what they might be stuck with should they distract you from said progress by blaring their car stereos late at night.? The Primer Milestone is also important because it is the first time that the house has ever been dealt with, in a single day, in its entirety.? For those who can’t truly fathom what this means, try doing anything to every square inch of your house in one day.

So this Milestone involves renting a paint sprayer from the Big HD.? (Luckily I live .4 miles from the Big Hd, which I highly recommend should you choose to purchase your own bit of Zen someday.)? SuperMan & I drive to the tool rental and pick out a sprayer and prepare to fork over the $65.? Notsofast, says the BurlyMan.? He proceeds to explain every switch, no matter how mundane.? (Yes, I have operated an “on/off” switch before.? I actually have several lighting fixtures in my house; I’ll be sure to put it on my resume.)? Now, I know this is important, albeit boring.? So I pay attention.? Sortof.? I look like I’m paying attention, which is what’s really important.? What I’m actually doing is practicing the fine art of Testosterone Tune-Out.? It’s an innate skill, passed down through the females of the species.? It is a necessary survival instinct in the Hardware Store Environment.

It is not practiced by the males of the species, however.

SuperMan cuts BurlyMan short and says “yeah yeah, we’ve used one before.? Push this button, flip this switch.? We got it.? Can we go?”? BurlyMan is not swayed.? He launches into Part Two, Be Sure To Clean Your Sprayer Before Returning.? Because While Your Paint Color May Be Beautiful, I Don’t Want To See It All Over My Clothes When I Test It Out.? And See How Clean The Machine Is When I Give It To You?? If It’s Not This Clean When I Get It Back, I’m Charging You $100.

SuperMan rolls his eyes.

The spraying was, well, you’ll just have to experience it for yourself.? Five hours of sameness, staring at a blinding white house.? Gave myself a sunburn and a headache; SuperMan is so sore he can’t move his arms.? Tedium ad naseum.

Cleaned and returned the sprayer.? Four hour rental clocked in at 5:05, but we decided it was worth the extra bucks to both finish the house, and not die in the process.? Rolled it into the rental doors.? BurlyMan sees how clean it is, and actually giggles.? No kidding.? He is so tickled that he not only doesn’t charge us the $100 cleaning fee, but he takes off the $23 late fee.? Because what you have to realize is, while he can charge you the $100 fee, he doesn’t keep the $100.? And while he can give you back $23, it ain’t comin’ out of his pocket.? But by making things neat and clean, we just saved him 20 of his own minutes — which he will now get to spend on doing nothing.

epilogue:? SuperMan takes his payment in dinner and a cherry coke.? I take a Tylenol.? We bask in the gleaming whiteness and the irony that the cleanest part of the house is now the outside.

Fixing up a home is a process.? Like childbirth.? But in dog years.

Both are filled with glorious phases that are much more palpable, even entertaining, when you are no longer in the middle of them.? I am in the house painting phase, which is the homeowner’s equivalent of morning sickness.? Random, pukey colors thrown up everywhere, on the hope that in the end they will pull together to form something wonderfully beautiful.? Or at least something that doesn’t make you want to cry.? As much.

And like my real childbirth experience (that they promised I’d forget), I find I have no cravings, but nauseating aversions to nearly everything in front of me.? Everything is so intense even when I really try, I mean really reeaallly try, to be subtle.

Case in point:

Ocean View and Seven Seas with Planetarium trim.? My first attempt, granted.? I could paint giant flowers on it and turn my backyard into a daycare.? But that’s not quite the effect I’m after.

Take two:

Lower colors: Winter Lake, Regatta Bay, and Twilight Chimes.? Upper colors left intact to make sure I appreciate how far I’ve come.? Neighborhood watch secretly calling the housing inspectors, *just in case*.

[Editor's note:? to whoever comes up with these ridiculous names, I hope you are sitting in a coffee shop somewhere enjoying your $7 mochalattichino buddy, cause there ain't room in this economy for both of us.? And one of us knows how to use power tools.]

Take three — tired of running to The Big HD, I decide to put my Photoshop skills to the test:

The navy taketh over.? Hey, nosso bad!? Don’t know what color it is, but I like it : )? I’ll call it… Midnight Aura.? (Just kidding.? I’ll call it “Blue”.? Cause *that’s* novel.)

Still not sure what trim, but my good friend Vinty sent me this great link on painting blue houses:? http://architecture.about.com/od/paint/ig/Blue/?? (Truly, you can find ANYTHING on the internet.? No matter how mundane.)? I did like this line:? “midnight blues suggest quiet dignity.”? YES.? That’s what I’m going for.? After I go through labor, I want my quiet-frickin’-dignity.

I’ve also decided that if I had my dream house, it would look like one of these:

(Just kidding.? My dream house is now officially brick.)

yeah… I kinda don’t even know where to begin with this one.? House painting is a brand new adventure for me.? So I’ll start with just the facts, ma’am.? And since I’ve recently been trying to convince my daughter that geometry is significant, let me tell this little tale in the form of a Geometric Proof:

1. My house needs to be painted.? (Given)
2. The current “color scheme” is gray-blue with tomato trim.? (“color scheme” is still a theory.? Colors: Given.)
3. I hate the current color scheme.? (um, given.)
4. So, I went up to Home Depot to choose new colors.?? (When you live .4 miles from The Big HD.? Given.? I think they have an isle named after me : P)
5. I choose medium blue with navy trim.? (if you’ve ever seen my wardrobe, Given.)
6. Well, technically I chose “Ocean View”, “Seven Seas”, and “Planetarium”.? (Inverse Color Naming Postulate)
7. Did you know house paint is available in 4 oz. sample jars??? (Homeowner’s Are Suckers Theorem; Inverse Wallet Theorem.)
8. I figured I’d test out the colors first, so I bought the samples.? (Damn good thing I did, too.)
9. They look nothing like the little card.? (Inverse Swatch Card Postulate)

sooo……. left side? right side? neither?? Luckily I have had a good relationship with my neighbors thus far.? But clearly, there are no guarantees.? Other than that blue is BLUE, even when it’s called “Planetarium”.

or… the Big Pond vs. the Little Backyard

I have a Big Pond in my Little Backyard.? A pond that has been my nemesis for the past oh, 5 years.? (courtesy of a crazy boyfriend who was a much bigger nemesis, but that’s another story)

It’s been mostly okay so far? — as in, no major fish deaths other than the one that did the Dumb Thing — and in five years I’ve gone from half a dozen fish to around 40, so I figure clearly I must be doing *something* right (or they are).? But it never really got finished.? It’s been one of those ?Projects?.? Never-ending, never finished Project.

The original idea* was to have a large main pond fed by a waterfall from a smaller marginal pond.? But marginal ponds are crazy-hard to make, apparently.? At least ones with waterfalls.? Or, more accurately: it is pretty easy to make water fall, but much harder to make it land in the right place. Somehow I could get the water to? <pump out of the pond/flow through the pipe/ feed into the filter/ flow through the pipe/ rise into the spillway> lovingly cascade into the pond for one glorious evening.? But by the middle of the night, something would go terribly wrong.? It would spring a leak, or clog a filter, or somesuch whatnot, and thousands of gallons of water would be roaming free in my Little Backyard.? And worse, 40-some odd fish would be left looking up at me, blinking in that ?what the hell..?? kind of fish way.

Now after the second flooding of the Little Backyard I got wise.? well, less stupid.? maybe.? (I’m not a “learn it the first time” kind of person — it sometimes takes twice.? But I digress.)? After the second flooding, I did what any sane person would eventually do after a lot of cursing, I called the Pros.? Who were nice enough to come out for a free** consultation.

During the consultation, they told me two things: One, I have an amazingly well-designed perfectly healthy little ecosystem that they were completely impressed with, as apparently the average pond inventor does Dumb Things that leave the Pros explaining in kindergarten-speak just how stupid they are.? I am quite pleased to be above average!? And even more pleased to not have to hear kindergarten-speak, but instead have a bonding moment with the Pros over just how dumb other people are.? Which is much more gratifying, by the way.? And Two, my blue koi is apparently worth a lot of money (who knew?? Now I am somewhat more intent on not letting him die due to anything that could be construed as my stupidity.)

They then explained that my waterfall was simply too small for the size of my pond.? (Which makes me wince a little, knowing that if I was a guy, this probably wouldn’t have happened.)? Would I like them to order the correct one?? But of course, I said with a wave of my hand.? Then*** the Pros did what Pros do best, snuck their elves into my Little Backyard while I was at work and made everything right and sent me the bill.

And the Big Pond and the Little Backyard lived happily ever after.

*I should probably mention that the ?original idea? is also known as the ?crazy ex-boyfriend idea?, and my ?new and improved idea? was just to get the damn thing to work and not turn my Little Backyard into a swamp.

**free =$1400

***then=2 weeks to order parts, 2.5 hrs. to install, 3 days to hyperventilhate over the bill

Epilogue:

I still have to finish some landscaping, plant a few things around the waterfall to hide it’s Rubbermaid-ishness, but all in all it is quite lovely, and knowing that it is done brings out my inner Zen :}